Dad,
I don't know how much you'll appreciate this CD. I never got the sense—from you or mom—that music was a big important part of your lives. Clearly you enjoy music, but it always seemed peripheral in your lives. From my point of view there is no greater gift than the gift of music. A music compilation from the heart of a loved one, even if I hate the music, is something I would always cherish. I've picked a set of songs, most of which you've probably never heard, that I think you could like because they have close roots to country music, which is the only music I've know you to listen to (besides Elvis). The songs are in approximate chronological order of when I first heard them, or when they became important to my life. Although I spent most of high school and college listening to music that bore little to no resemblance to country music, I believe its constant presence in our home greatly influenced the music I love today as well as affected some very important parts of my life that aren't really related to music directly. So this CD is a tribute to you and mom, a thank you of sorts, for not raising us on shitty music. The list of songs also represent things in my life that I find important and I think you would want to know about your son, even if the song isn't exactly something you would appreciate on its own.
This first song was picked partially
to set the mood of the CD. In addition I probably have an overly
romanticized ideal about how love is suppose to work; I attribute
many of these ideals to the country music I grew up on, and this song
I would say is one of the best (if not the best) country song ever
written. When I heard it, before I ever knew Robyn, I hoped and
prayed I'd one day have a love like that. That I could love some one
so well, too well. To whatever degree I'm succeeding at that aim, this song
deserves credit for some part of it.
From the 11th grade until I
graduated college I probably listened to this album four to five
times a week. I have fallen to sleep listening to these heart felt
melodies more than any other. They've latched onto my soul and found
a permanent place in my life. A union born of dreams, born of dark
nights, born of a great aching belief that one day I'd share in a
love big enough to fill the Earth. Each song represents in my mind
some stage of mine and Robyn's early courtships. A lot of failure, a
lot of hope, and some really great moments. This particular song is
my favorite on the CD, but the CD is so good (probably my all time
favorite) that over half the songs on the album at one time or
another have been my favorite.
I feared I'd have to leave Nine Inch
Nails off the CD because they don't match the tone at all but then
remembered I had this version of the song around and rejoiced with
the perfection of it. It's probably hyperbole but I feel that without
Nine Inch Nails getting through high school would have been much
harder than it was. With this music I was introduced to lyrics and
music that spoke to my frustrations and pains. I felt a sense of
belonging that had been missing in my teen years. It filled a large
painful void that our exit from Indiana created. So a compilation CD
from me without NIN on it is inconceivable. I don't know how you guys
felt about NIN and Marilyn Manson, but I'm eternally grateful to the
freedom and trust you placed in me to allow me to select the music I
listened to and I assure you that the net affect of their music upon
me has been incredibly positive. I don't know if you realize how
important that was for me and how it wasn't a common thing amongst my
friends and their parents. So again, thank you.
Another great country song. Included
here because it is the reason Robyn and I became good friends so
fast. The first time she met me I was at her neighbors house with
Jason. We were out front and I was singing a version of this song but
I changed “horses” to “turkeys.” Robyn came over in the
middle of it and was interested in the gothic/industrial kid who knew
country music well enough to sing it and alter it on the fly. It took
about seven years of major convincing after that, but this was the
first little hook that tapped into her heart and eventually bound us
together.
There's too much piano and not enough
guitar to be really country, but here it is. Tori was the first music
Robyn introduced me to, so this album is tied to her and our
courtship in my mind as well. Most of her songs from this album deal
with a lot of issues that girls seem to identify with better, but
this song I think captures a certain aspect of growing up that
belongs to both genders. We were all little kids once, with our hands
in our father's glove. And we all let go at some point. Eventually we
all skate on our own, and bare the winter alone.
The thing about this song is that I
partially love it because I'm convinced that the singer/writer loves
it more than any other song has ever been loved. I don't know
how to explain it, but his voice just tells me that he knows that he
has something amazing here, something to be cherished. There is a
minor religious tone that meanders through the song and all the talk
of snow and old men reminds me of Idaho and family (even though it's
about South Georgia).
Country music has made me a sucker for
sad songs. I don't know that I've heard a more heart wrenching song
than this. The last two line slay me: “tell him I love him, but I
am not returning.” Part of the greatness of the song is that it
embraces the complexity of life. Some of our hardest decisions come
about because we do still love those we leave behind. Life would be
easier if all separations were spurred on by hate and anger. But life
isn't lived as such.
I probably don't even need to say
anything about this song. I mean it's so obvious. It's almost an
embarrassing cliché to include it. I don't know what it was like for
you “becoming a man.” But I've always felt like a kid. I mean
even now, with a child in my house, I feel like a 34 year old kid.
This song captures the awkward process of really growing up, a
process I'm still in the middle of, and captures a new type of love
that I can honestly say I didn't expect to enjoy so much. I can
barely listen to this song without crying. That little girl, man,
she, she, she makes me speechless. I stand amazed.
As I've grown older I've enjoyed
abstraction and metaphors and literary depth more and more. If the
previous song was the epitome of obvious this song is its polar
opposite. It's dark, it's beautiful, it's vague. Without hesitation
I'll say it is my all time favorite song. It resonates with me, it
causes feelings in my soul I've never felt before. Or that I'd felt,
but been unable to name. It's a song that overwhelms me with emotion.
Check these lines: “you always told me. No matter how long it
holds. If it falls apart or makes us millionaires. We'll be right
here forever. Go through this thing together. And on heavens golden
shore we'll lay our heads.” To me that is perfect. It's what I want
out of life. A sense of joy and wonder and struggle, that no matter
the results, if the trip is with the right people, then in the end
we'll have our reward (because the the journey is the reward).
Don't ask me how to pronounce either of
those words. This is one song that veers away from the country music
feel I had going, but I think its worth it. The band is Icelandic. I
couldn't tell you anything about what the lyrics mean. I don't want
to know what the lyrics mean. But when I want to soar, when I want to
feel alive, this song (and their music in general) does it for me.
Somewhere in their music is the meaning of life. It feels like you're
riding on the back of a whale, or flying like a bird, or running like
a human through a field of wheat. The music feels alive,
consistently, like little else I've ever listened to. If I were to
send a piece of music out into space in hopes that it would one day
reach an alien land and that the music would tell those aliens
something about what it means to be human, this would be the song I
would choose. Hear this, and be filled by humanity.
I have a great wife. One of the best
I'm certain, for a lot of reasons. I don't know why I've been so
blessed, what I've done to deserve such a quality life. Sometimes I
feel guilty at how good life has been to me. Robyn is a large part of
why I feel that way. Jason once said that you learn a lot about
someone by looking at the person they love. So if you want to know
me, then know Robyn. This song, and its main theme of forgiveness, I
think is Robyn put to music. Understand this song and you understand
her, and me by extension I guess. “May the voices inside you that
fill you with dread, make the sounds of thousands of angels instead.”
… “your swinging off those gates of hell, but I can tell, how
hard you're trying” … “somewhere on the steepest slope, there's
an endless rope, and nobody's crying.” The world would be a much
better place if we all had Robyn's capacity to forgive.
Idaho. Josh Ritter is from Moscow,
Idaho. Born and raised. So his relationship to it is different from
mine. But the place, it will always remind me of you. Thinking of it
makes me think of you, even more than it makes me think of mom. I
don't know why. But you and that state seem inexplicably connected.
It's nice to see someone with that sort of relationship to a place. I
can appreciate that it means so much to you even though I don't know
that I've ever had the chance to get quite so attached to a place.
It's full of our family history. So many dead bones there. It's a
shame I suppose that I have no desire to live there, but one place
isn't meant for everybody.
This is sort of an extension of the
previous song. I know you're not a “real” farmer, but your desire
to be on the land feels farmy to me. And if I were you (whatever that
means) I imagine this song would reflect well the struggle of staying
in a place I love while my kids (and grandchildren) were elsewhere,
out there. And I'm almost jealous of the feeling of being so attached
to a place that you just can't leave it behind. It sounds
magnificently painful. :)
I think one of the most overlooked, or
under represented relationship in popular music is that about child
and parent. This song nails that relationship perfectly I think, from
both sides. It looks at things from the child's point of view as well
as the parent's. The family make up in this song, two brothers and a
man who has a wife and daughter, fits perfectly into the shape of my
life. I mean come on, “make sure my daughter knows I love her, make
sure her mother knows the same.” I see me in Berkeley and I see you
in me. I'll know your pains and your joys. And in turn, one day,
she'll know them, too. It's a beautiful chain.
This is a love song, but I think, it
serves just as well as a celebration of family in general. “We came
for salvation. We came for family. We came for all that's good. We
came to break the bad. We came to cheer the sad. We came to leave
behind a better way. If I am walking through the rain. And I hear you
calling out my name. I will break into a run without a pause. And if
your love laughs at your dreams. It's not as bad as it seems. If you
take of my soul. You can still leave it whole, with the pieces of
yours you left behind.” I don't know what it means to have a
perfect family. But I'm so greatly pleased with the one I have. I'm
grateful to you and mom and Frank and the love and life we've all
shared.
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